I am just going to be dead honest-- my entire life has turned to apathy. I very strongly dislike that fact, but it's the truth.
It's not like I'm depressed; I've been there, too and it makes you feel like you don't want to go on.
I want to go on, but I want to go on strong, and right now... I'm just floating. Have you ever treaded water in the deep end for a long period of time? That picture is representative of my life right now. I'm treading, treading, treading... and it's tiring, and it's keeping me busy, and even with all that treading I am not moving anywhere. I'm just stuck in the same spot, day in and day out, and in fact I'm getting so tired that I'm starting to sink and slip beneath the water. Satan loves it, he loves it so much that he's lurking underneath, waiting to nip at my foot and pull me completely under.
Wow, I sound like a complete disaster. But I find it impossible to be anything but honest when I write, it's my cardinal rule. I have to be real.
Anyway, to me, writing something down is validating it, and validating it is admitting it, and admitting it creates accountability. No more elephant in the room, no more "put on a happy face and pretend like all is well," no more lying. It's real stuff.
I was recently listening to a pastor on the radio and he was talking about sin. I believe his illustration applies to an apathetic life, as well. He said, "When we find ourselves trapped in a certain sin or addiction, we must ask ourselves, how did we get here?"
He went on to say we get there by essentially "worshipping ourselves." Sounds extreme, but it's so true. Any sin is an act of worshipping the self. It's so selfish. We only think about ourselves. Lying? We want to stay out of trouble. Gossip? We want to feel better about ourselves. Cheating? We want to get ahead. Worry? We're trying to control our own life. Pride? We think too much of ourselves. Lust? We are seeking self pleasure. Sex? We are trying to gratify the flesh and are taking someone else with us.
The list could go on and on. The point is, we sin because we worship ME.
But are we really so surprised? Everywhere we turn in this world, this is what we are told. You really don't have to go far. In fact, you could pretty much live inside of a plastic bubble and still see the giant flashing subliminal message the world is throwing at us in every direction to just "DO WHAT YOU WANT. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD."
However, it's not an excuse. Anyway, it's not an excuse to those of us who know better, who know Christ, who know His Word. It's no excuse to me, who is treading but not going anywhere. It's no an excuse at all.
So the radio pastor's advice was, "How do you get out of this mess, this mess you have created for yourself? The same way you got into the mess. Worship. But stop worshipping yourself, and start worshipping God...
YOU WORSHIPPED YOUR WAY INTO THIS MESS, AND NOW YOU MUST WORSHIP YOUR WAY OUT OF IT."
This theme has been resounding in my mind for several weeks now. It's a powerful one.
Worship isn't a small word, though. It's not something a treader can pull off. Trust me-- I've already tried. Worship requires devotion, dedication, love, honor, persistence, desire, and humility. It means that we recognize that our glory belongs Somewhere else.
It means that it's time to stop treading and start swimming.
Love you all. T
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