Making Time

It has been awhile, but I always eventually return. You will never get rid of me completely; the writer in me can't stay away!

Where to begin?

The last time I wrote was about 2 months ago. I was just starting my new job, and looking forward to my Jamaica trip.

I am now fully acquainted with my job-- in a way, I feel like I've already been there for a year-- and Jamaica is behind me. It is interesting how time marches on, whether we stop and realize it or not.

I continue to stay super busy, too busy, actually. Things have slowed down a little bit, but of course being gone for a week didn't help as it put me behind. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel; one thing God taught me these past few months was how to prioritize, make the most of my time, and how to say "No." Just because I CAN doesn't mean I should, right? :)

Meanwhile, I do like the new rhythm I have established, and once I can collect myself and all of my projects into an organized fashion, I look forward to enjoying things like bike rides in the evening, baking cookies, trips to the gym, and just a night on the couch in front of a favorite movie. But right now, those options seem a little far off, because other things take their place in line. That's OK; it will come.

As I always say... I would rather be busy than bored, and ironically, I am so much more productive when I have too much to do than not enough. I think I actually thrive off of fast-paced, super-busy living. I'm not inspired until I have a deadline!

Of course, as a predictable result, my devotions/prayer life is suffering. I have to make a conscious effort to make sure this happens. In a way, that is always the case; a priority is only there if you make it one. And why should this not be a priority?

Sometimes I stop and think about how foolish I am. I so often try to take things into my own hands or dwell on my anxieties instead of just breathing a prayer to the Lord. That's the thing; I always try to make it too difficult. I always envision a grandiose scenario, one in which I sit in a quiet room for over an hour, writing out prayers and feverishly studying the Bible in complete concentration. Wouldn't that be nice? And sometimes, that can happen. But most days, I'm doing good to make time for sleep. So in those cases, I need to remember that making time for God doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing mentality. It can simply mean talking to Him at different times throughout the day in my head through prayer, or taking 5 minutes on my lunch break to just stop and thank Him for the sunshine. It can be choosing a kind attitude over a frustrated one, or it can be reading a Bible verse in the morning and dwelling on it all day long instead of thinking I need to get the whole chapter read so I can "check it off my list."

I had the opportunity to share my testimony while in Jamaica with the group. It was so neat to revisit. I was actually contemplating doing a blog post on my testimony before I left, and never got around to it. It ended up being cool to just remember back where I started with my Christian walk at age 13; I wasn't perfect, but I knew I was a sinner. And as a sinner, my destination was Hell, regardless of what I had or had not done. The best part was that another guy shared his testimony, which was an amazingly miraculous transformation. He completely changed his life around. And while he may have "sinned more" than I did by the time he came to the Lord, he was still forgiven. That is the beautiful thing about grace; God does not hold back. He gives us what we need, and we do well to remember not to judge, because before grace, we are all going to Hell.

Anyway, tangent. You can count on a spiritual tangent in almost every blog post :)

There are so many other things I could share about Jamaica, but I won't tonight. I didn't necessarily want this to be a "Jamaica" post but just a nice update.

I really am enjoying my job-- I love that it is fast-paced, and no two days look the same (typically.) I like variety, and I like having creative autonomy. Also, the view is pretty cool!

Otherwise, I stay busy with photography, too. The past couple weeks have been a bit slow, but I didn't really put my camera down in Jamaica so I feel like I've been capturing a lot lately. I am so pleased that I am mostly shooting newborns and kids... that is exactly what I was hoping to do. And in a way, going to a photo shoot after a long day at work is weirdly relaxing. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it's just a way for me to "unwind" and be creative in a different way.

I am also still keeping up with the jail ministry. It really is dear to my heart. I have started going every other Wednesday night now, too. It's great because I feel like I can establish an ongoing relationship with these women, rather than seeing them maybe once a month (by which time I have forgotten their name). I feel privileged that God has given me a special love in my heart for them. I know it's not for everyone. And that's OK. It takes all kinds; some are called to do kids, some love the handicapped, and others take care of the elderly. I like the prisoners :) There is something about seeing beyond the veil of brokenness and pain that intrigues me. To me, there is ALWAYS beauty hiding behind it. I have always been about being "real" and getting down to the raw. You definitely go there when you're in jail.

Well... I should go. As I always say... I'll try to be back sooner rather than later. We'll see!

To close, a picture from Jamaica. This is one I took at the infirmary-- the place that touched me the most.

Love you all,

T

The Direction of My Passion

National tragedies always bring out an interesting side of people.

Some appear shocked:

How could this happen? What is this world coming to? Who would do such a thing?

Others use it as a means of pointing to their own causes:

Why do we react in such horror to this when children are starving in other countries and dying every day?

And still others act as a sponge, soaking in every possible inch of data to form their own conclusions.

For me—I tend to have a “big picture” approach. It’s how I’m wired. And I’m not here to point out whether other’s reactions (or my own) to this tragedy are right or wrong; I simply want to share my thoughts on the situation.

My first reaction to the bombing was… That’s terrible.

My second thoughts were: Two bombs went off at the Boston Marathon, and only 3 were killed? That’s not a lot. I don’t mean to belittle it—it was definitely three too many—but I was thankful that it wasn’t more destructive in terms of numbers of lives lost.

Another thought I had was—why ARE we so surprised by this act of evil? This world is an evil place. The hearts of man are desperately wicked. On Sunday, one of our ministers shared, “Evil in this world should NOT surprise us. The only thing we should be surprised about regarding evil is HOW PATIENT GOD IS WITH IT.”

I agree.

With that, I don’t think we should just become complacent and say, “Well… oh well. We live in an evil world… what can we do. I guess we’ll just start to accept it…”

Rather, my hope is that events like this do 2 things:

1.     Reminds us of God’s sovereignty. Certainly, God does not inspire these events. But He IS in control. And He has all power in His hands. We have been warned by Scriptures that the end times will be terrible: full of evil acts, wars and rumors of wars, sinful activity, hurricanes, floods and earthquakes… the list goes on. With that in mind, AND knowing that the Lord has a master plan in which all of these things work together for His good (ultimately), we can rest in that comfort rather than being ruffled by the externals.

2.     Renews our perspective concerning spiritual warfare. And when I say spiritual warfare, I mean as a whole (as big as wars and evil acts like bombing a marathon) and individually (all the way down to the very hearts of the bombing brothers).

I often attend a prayer meeting at church that takes place before services each Sunday. Last week, I was so thankful for a lady who had the conviction to remind us to pray for the surviving brother responsible for the Boston bombing.

“He is currently being treated in the hospital for his injuries,” she explained. “There is an opportunity there for someone to witness to him, and tell him about the salvation message.”

She’s right. So often, we forget about the criminal, waving him off as a lost cause. Who wants to pray for someone who just tried to kill thousands of people?

It caused me to think, though. As I have been keeping up with the news and the search for “motive” and the research of evidence… the thing is, these brothers in crime had a passion. It doesn’t appear to be against American people but the American government. Specifics don’t necessarily matter; the concept is that they had a strong passion that led them to a terrific act. They had something to say. They were diligent and purposeful in what they did, and one even died for the cause.

This sort of wrongfully placed passion reminds me of someone from the Bible—Paul. Before God got a hold of him, he was placing his energies in all the wrong causes. But once he saw the Light, He was an amazing instrument for Christ. Without Paul, a large part of the New Testament wouldn’t even exist. A lot of our practical application in Christian living wouldn’t be written. He went from fighting against a cause to contributing to a large portion of its future reach.

It’s amazing, really, when you think about it. And I’m not hear to suggest that the young man responsible for taking lives in Boston last week will be a “Paul conversion,” but I’m here to point out that it’s possible. ANYTHING is possible with God. It is awesome to me that anyone with a passion, even if it’s in the wrong places and for the wrong things, can be converted into something beautiful.

And it brings me to my final point: this guy’s salvation. I have always had a heart for the brokenhearted. It’s why I am in the jail ministry. I wholeheartedly believe that deep inside every individual’s soul is a beautiful story, waiting to be told. Depending on family history, past circumstances, how someone grew up, choices made, values taught… sometimes it’s a lot harder to break down the walls of filth to get to it. But it’s there.

It is ironic to me that this guy is sitting in a hospital right now, being treated so he can live, only to find out that he has a sentence to die. How would you feel if you were one of the nurses giving him care?

But it begs the question… who promises you tomorrow? Aren’t we all “sentenced to die?” Maybe not because of a crime we committed… but then again, wait. Weren’t we all born as sinners, and it’s because of sin that we die a human death? It is ONLY Christ’s gift of salvation that allows us any other option post-death.

So the guy that still lives… who cares about him right now? Who cares for HIS soul? Who wants to share the salvation message with him? And… maybe it IS a lost cause. Maybe he has made up his mind. After all, he was willing to take lives, and quite possibly his own, to do what he did. That’s the kind of faith he had in his beliefs. But I still think of Paul. And I think of God, and how nothing is impossible. And I pray for that soul, because it’s still not too late.

I also examine my own standing with my Faith.

Where is my passion level for MY Faith? Am I willing to do something radical for God? So radical that it affects many lives?

So radical that it may mean losing my own?

I am thankful to live in a free country and a very accepting Christian community. SO thankful. But this past week, my views have been shaken and my perspective has been enlarged. It may not always be so easy to proclaim what I believe. How am I doing now, when I’m not punished for it? Sometimes, I know I take the easy way out.

Daily, I have to remember: die to self. To live is death, and to die is gain. In the end, God gets the glory. In the end… I live in Heaven.

Who’s going to be with me?

T

Happy Spring!

The windows are open in my house... so refreshing.

Well... kind of. Despite it being REALLY warm inside and the little black bugs that have made their way into my house, I am definitely enjoying the Spring weather.

So is Lily. Her newest project is to hunt and kill all of the bugs, and mine is to sit on the couch as still as possible so I don't break a sweat. I will take this ANY DAY over the snow storm we had a couple weeks ago, that's for sure.

:)

Anyway, some news in my life.

I am starting a full-time job this coming Monday. The opportunity came up for me a couple weeks ago. I am not going into full-fledged detail here on my blog, but if you see me in person, feel free to ask me about it! I will say that it is a marketing/graphic design position, and it's in East Peoria. It sounds very fast-paced and exciting, so I am anxious to get started and see what it is all about!

Also, I am on a 30-day trial, so I would appreciate prayers for anyone who wants to lift me up... just that I would be able to put forth my talents in the best way possible and shine in this new role. Additionally, that I would be willing to let God guide me and be open to whatever He has for me!

Ideally, I would love it if this worked out. God has been teaching me a lot about myself over the past several months, and one of the things I have learned:

I am a passionate, creative, free-spirited person, but with that I need structure. So to me, having a stable, full-time job that ISN'T just a "desk job" but something energetic, active, and creative, then with the opportunity to supplement with my photography business on the side, sounds like perfection.

However! I leave that up to the Lord, and in the mean time I am just thankful for the opportunity to give this a shot.

Moving on...

I am going to start going to the county jail twice a month on Wednesday nights. Tomorrow evening is the first time I'll go. I'm really excited. I usually just go on Sundays when I'm scheduled, which ends up averaging about once a month, but now I'll get to go even more often. I feel like it will be a little more laid back than Sundays, so I'm looking forward to getting to know the ladies more.

I did go last Sunday and met a girl. She was an amazing encouragement to me. She had transferred from another nearby county jail and had just arrived. She talked about someone else in the ministry who had introduced her to Christ within the past month.

It was SO cool to see how much she had already dug into the Word. She spoke of Bible verses and Jesus' teachings as if she had studied them her whole life. When I asked her if she grew up with a church background, she said no. This surprised me, since she already seemed so familiar with a lot of Scripture.

More than anything, it was so exciting to me to see how enthusiastic and peaceful she was from the Word. It was evident that Christ had transformed her life and her attitude, and her insights and wisdom were already on solid ground.

I look forward to seeing her tomorrow night when I go and I will be passing along a Bible that the previous lady promised to get her. I am so thankful for the freedom to give Bibles to prisoners, meet with them about Christ, and pray with them. It's such a liberty, one we take for granted. I'm glad God is still allowed in jail!

Anyway, enough for tonight. Love you all!

T

Smile

I'm going to try to post more.

Really.

Here's the start... by me posting TWICE within a week!

I saw this today on Tony Evans' Facebook page and liked it. What makes me smile? When I have joy, but sometimes joy can't be brought on by just happiness. It has to come from deep within... kind of a confident assurance from Jesus that You are loved, cared for, and accepted, despite external circumstances. To me, often joy goes hand-in-hand with peace.

A smile can do a lot... and when you can't muster one because you "feel" like it, reach deep inside yourself and find your Faith... and I guarantee, it will bring a smile.

The Garden

By now, you would think I could have the more elementary things figured out in life, such as...

Being selfish doesn't make you happy.

No matter how much you gain or lose in life, true joy and contentment comes only from having Christ.

People will always disappoint you, because they are imperfect. God will not disappoint you, so why not trust Him?

Daily communion with Him (prayer, reading the Word, worship), the closer you feel to God. It is a relationship that is always worth investing in.

Love and grace are a gift given to you by God. Ask for them and use as needed!

So, all of these things and more, God has been teaching me lately. Attaining completeness in any of these concepts will be a lifelong journey, really. I will only truly be complete when I reach Heaven.

I feel God drawing me close to Him right now. Or maybe it's just that in me "drawing near to Him, He is drawing near to me." Whatever the case, I am loving the feeling of peace I have regardless of my external circumstances. I have had a lot of opportunities to trust Him lately. I am thankful for a God who loves me and cares for me so deeply.

As the Easter season is upon us, I have been thinking a lot about His sacrifice lately. I can have a tendency to become apathetic towards repetitive holidays, no matter how spiritually meaningful they may be, much to my shame. This year, however, God has awoken me to a passionate longing to meditate on the importance of His sacrifice and plug in to His Word in general right now.

Last week, I studied and shared with the ladies at prison the story of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. I'm not sure why, but recently that story struck a chord in my heart. I believe it's the idea of Jesus praying to God in the garden with tears of agony, knowing full well what His mission would be but in his humanness, wondering if there would be a way around it. He knew what He had to do to save mankind... But, was there any other way?

There wasn't. And while Jesus asked, He also said... "Not my will, but thine."

How often do we have this attitude? As humans, we want to avoid the path of hurt and pain. Sometimes, we feel it impossible to believe a loving God would allow it. Are we as quick to say,"Not my will, Lord... But yours?"

Jesus knew it was the only way, yet as a human he could have also chosen not to go through with it. He could have thrown in the towel.

Why not? Up until this point, it's not like we had a very good track record with him. His own disciples-- those closest to Jesus while He lived His life here on Earth-- betrayed Him, denied Him, and scattered.

I think they wanted to believe Jesus. But in the final moments, they were scared. Scared for themselves. Scared of what would happen. Selfish.

And yet, Jesus decided to save us. He did it because He loved us. And He loved us despite how short we fell.

I go back to the story of Jesus in the garden because to me, it illustrates a struggle. It shows me that while Jesus was perfect, He was also human. And being human, he experienced our pain, our shame, and our problems. He knows what we go through when we cry, when we're angry, when we are sad or upset or disappointed. When we feel lonely or forgotten or betrayed... He knows. He knows what it is like to have to make a hard decision, even if you know in your heart it is the right one. He knows what it feels like to be beaten, tormented, despised, and rejected.

He also knows what it feels like to smile, and to laugh. To feel human touch, and to give a hug. To walk next to a friend on the sand, and to reach out a helping hand. He knows what it feels like to have little children sit on his knee, and he knows how to teach an audience. He walked and talked with several personalities while he was here, and he loved them all.

Anyone who may know me, knows that I am all about being "personal." I don't typically enjoy small talk and avoid it if at all possible. With that, I have loved revisiting how very personal our God and our Saviour is... So personal, in fact, that he "dwelt among us in the flesh."

Amazing!

Tonight I had the privilege of going through a "journey to the cross" tour that my church put on. It was phenomenal, and told the story of Jesus' path to the cross while tying in personal meditation and reflection. As you were led through dark hallways lined with little lights and into dark rooms with a narrator and soft music, you were guided through the story of Jesus. You smelled the ointment Mary used to wash Jesus' feet. You held coins in your hand and listened to the clank of then as they hit the table to symbolize Judas' betrayal. You saw His crown of thorns and meditated at the foot of His cross. You saw the rock close up the tomb, and the hope and light of a risen Saviour.

This Easter, I am thankful to Jesus for deciding to love me and save me. I am thankful for Heaven. Some days, when Earth seems hard, I wish I was there now. But selfishly. Because while I am still here, it must mean God has work for me to do.

Lately, my prayer has been one of open hands... In most all areas of my life.

I have been asking the question:

God... What will you have me to do?

Love you all.

T

Meeting Cori

I have always loved letters in the mail.

Several years back, God put it on my heart to get involved with the prison ministry. I didn't know how or why, but I knew it's where I needed to be.

I became involved through my church by visiting inmates in a nearby county jail. I am scheduled to go talk with these women about once a month on a Sunday morning. I love it.

Not long after I started doing this, my church also offered a program that involved writing to the incarcerated. Because of my loves for letters and my heart for those in bonds, I knew it was the perfect fit for me!

I was assigned a girl named Cori. I could tell from her very first letter that it was going to be good. She wrote honestly and thoroughly, and I immediately felt a connection. We continued to write letters back and forth during the entire course of her stay in prison, which ended up being for the next three years.

It was amazing to see her growth, and watch her transform throughout this experience. I was amazed at her attitude and her candidness, and how willing she was to learn and grow.

She is only three years older than me, so it felt easy and natural establishing a relationship with her. We talked about a lot of experiences, thoughts, emotions, fears, and struggles. It was always so refreshing to hear from her. We wrote about me coming to visit her while she was in prison, but it never worked out.

Last Spring, she was released from prison. She is under a 2-year house arrest, so when we talked about meeting again, that meant that I would go to her.

This past Saturday, I made the 3-hour trek to Grayslake, where her parents live. It was a drive, but it was so worth it. People kept questioning me about safety, and why I was choosing to drive such a far distance in a short amount of time, etc.

I knew it was right, and that's the confidence I stood by. I knew in my heart, based on our letters and our relationship, that I could trust her. And I wasn't surprised at all when I pulled up to her parents' house, and it was in a very nice neighborhood.

I used the drive to pray off and on all the way there. I really wasn't nervous to meet her-- just excited. When I arrived, Cori met me at the door, as well as a big, burly dog :) She invited me to the basement to chat for awhile. Unfortunately, I was on a time crunch, but we talked away 2 hours without it feeling like any time at all had passed!

Overall, I was amazed and overjoyed by how grounded she was. Her outlook on life, her insight about situations, her advice, and her attitude were all amazing. I was glad to hear about many support groups and people in her life to help her get through this time. And most of all, I love her honesty and forthrightness about where she is at. She told me about her desire to grow.

"My biggest fear is to wake up a year from now the same person I am today," she said, "I want to be able to look back and see growth in my life."

This hit home hard with me, as I have recently traveled through an apathetic stage in my life... it's easy to fall into a rhythm that is selfish and simple, when we are called to live radial lives of challenge, growth, and love!

If I lived closer to her, I know I would visit her more often, but we said we would definitely keep in touch via phone and letters.

That night, when I got home, I received a text message from her saying,

"It was really cool to be able to spend time with you in person today. Thanks for making the trip out, I know it wasn't a short one. It was by no mistake God placed us in each others lives. I'm grateful you're on this journey with me."

I couldn't have said it any better myself.

Love you all,

T

Through Heaven's Eyes

I have decided that I love my life.

The thought occurred to me last Wednesday, when I was driving home from working in Pekin. I realized how extremely blessed I am.

I feel like I lead a life that the more "orderly" types would cringe and run away from... but that is precisely why I like it.

In fact, I feel like Jennifer Lopez's character in the film Monster-in-Law. She had about 8 different jobs: she was a dog-walker, a doctor's office receptionist, and many other things.  I remember watching that movie several years ago and thinking it would be so fun to live that kind of independent, carefree life, but knowing it would probably never happen.

Well, it did happen. To me.

The thing is, though, I love all my jobs. And I love that I don't have to wake up every morning and do the same thing everyday. I love that I get "paid to sleep," but that I also feel like I'm making a difference and I get to work with special, heartwarming people. I love that I can help serve my church in a small way, and on my own time. I love that I get to use my graphic design skills to help out at a marketing company in my FAVORITE town :) and I love that this job gives my life structure, yet is so unpredictable in its hours that I could be called at the drop of a hat and be needed the very next hour. I love that I get to run my very own creative business, one in which I could not even possibly be confident enough to run without my foreknowledge and experience of co-running a previous photography business with a friend for 5 years prior.

The combination of all of these things is what works for me right now. It may not be a "forever" status, but for now, I like how each of these roles fit together like pieces of a puzzle to make up my "career." Every single job uses different facets of my personality and talents to help fulfill my heart.

And if anyone is still wondering, my ultimate dream job would be to travel as a missionary photojournalist, but for now, I'm letting that be another "part-time" volunteer endeavor that may pop up here and there in my life :) 

It's amazing that I can write all of this right now, because I have actually been rather discouraged lately. I think I am letting Satan get my down. I let him speak lies to me and stir up hurt in my heart, and he pushes me to regress and regret. But it usually doesn't take long for me to put on my "big-picture" glasses, and I'm back on track.

If I look at any portion of my life under the microscope, I'm in trouble... I have to gaze at the sky, instead. I have to remember that my very life is only just a vapor... and what am I really here for? Sometimes I lose sight of that when I become too wrapped up in myself, and I bypass the very tools God has literally handed me. He has given me an opportunity that not many people get... the opportunity to care for people, to have a part-time position doing my first love, to stay involved with my church family and lastly, to be an entrepreneur and continue to enjoy what I love most: capturing life. What more could I really ask for? It's like He is saying, "Taryn, I have designed you very uniquely to carry out my purposes in an unconventional way," because... let's face it. I'm anything but conventional in the way I do things!

Like I said, with all this "LOVE," I'm not above getting down. In fact, I'm the best target for it. It is daily that I must equip myself with the Sword of the Spirit and the Truth of His Word, and honestly, the minute I humble myself in His Love, it's like Satan withers away. The devil knows his place, and when I remind him that I am content with where life has placed me, he moves on. 

That's just it: It's easy to look back with rose-colored glasses. But as I recently discussed with a friend... the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. And why is that? Because we are a disgruntled people. We're used to instant gratification and when we get what we want, we're still not happy. Someone else always has what we think we should have, and so on. But at the end of the day, who really cares? That's the thing. How many people have we truly touched in all of our bickering and bitterness and covetousness? 

I heard this song for the first time in a long time this weekend, and it was exactly what I needed to hear... I love its lyrics and it spoke to my life right now. Here it is:

Through Heaven's Eyes 

(Prince of Egypt soundtrack)

A single thread in a tapestry
Through its color brightly shine
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design

And the stone that sits on the very top
Of the mountain's mighty face
Does it think it's more important
Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth
Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man
You must look at your life

Look at your life through heaven's eyes

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king
If a man lose ev'rything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you
Though there's little to be found
When all you've got is nothing
There's a lot to go around

No life can escape being blown about
By the winds of change and chance
And though you never know all the steps
You must learn to join the dance

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?
You can never see with your eyes on earth
Look through heaven's eyes
Look at your life through heaven's eyes

Love you all!

T

Real Life

Well... it has been awhile.

I am now on the other side of holiday cheer, the whirlwind of transitioning into a new business, and my 27th birthday.

My blog always seems to be the place that I feel obligated to be honest. I think it is because I have always, ALWAYS been truthful when I take the time to write. It is like FINALLY at last, all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have been swirling around in my head come pouring out. I sometimes don't even know what any of it is until I write it out, and my own hands surprise me with what they type onto the screen.

Strangely, I have been good lately.  I shouldn't say that it is strange-- it is truly a blessing. I often think about the couple of weeks following the split of Imagine Artists, and how I received the unexpected yet amazing outpouring of love and support from all kinds of people. I know now that God put that there for me to look back upon as a vote of confidence from the Lord himself.

However, what follows is real life. God promises to take care of me, but He never promises that it will be easy. A week ago, I was sitting Indian style on the floor of my friend's new studio. We were both looking at each other through tears in our eyes. Those tears were a testament to the hurt and pain we have both suffered as a result of our split, and while I wish I could say it was the last tears either of us will shed over it, I know I would be wrong.

Somehow, though, the hard times spur me into confidence. Not confidence in myself, of course-- but confidence in the Lord. It reminds me to realize that without Him, I fail, and there is no possible way to get through anything difficult without His help. And I am so confident in HIM-- what He can do, who He made me to be, and what He will do with my life.

And it is then that I realize that I have a tremendous responsibility. Those reflections almost always spin me into a forward-thinking motion, gazing at the "big-picture" reality of life and everything that it means. I usually have the sudden urge to book a flight to a third-world country to start a photo-journalistic missionary business, or start serving full-time at a soup kitchen in the south side of Peoria, or take foster classes and adopt 10 children without loving families.

Once I have had a chance to remember that my own life and backyard can be a mission field, I settle in and just open up my hands, reminding myself that God has me exactly where He wants me. I cannot question Him, I cannot drive myself crazing over-analyzing it or predicting what it could mean or what lessons He may be trying to teach me or what amazing adventure He does or does not have up His sleeve next; my one and only job is quite easy. It is simply to rest in His loving-kindness, allow myself to be wrapped in His arms of love, and breathe easy in the confidence He gives me by obeying Him with complete contentment and trust.

It is then that I can truly see my purpose in this life, and it is then that I am reminded that my problems here in life are so futile. It puts my passion into perspective, and it reshapes my day-to-day into a meaningful melody. I love it.

But since I'm all about honesty, I have to admit that lately, I have not been doing any of that. This weekend, one of my very dear friends who is always a breath of fresh air and spiritual insight was telling me about a Bible reading plan she was doing that she thought I would enjoy. It convicted me, because I am not in a place where I am consistently in the Word or even talking to God through prayer. It's not purposeful; it's honestly just me being complacent. I hate it. And I'm going to change it. Now.

Not because it earns me points in Heaven, or because God will give me a gold star. Not because it will make me feel better about myself or show how "spiritual" I am. Not even because it's the right thing to do. But only because by talking and listening to God, I will be paying attention to the best and most important relationship that I have in this life.

Nonetheless, I am happy. I am full of joy. I love my life & everyone in it. And all of that is cause to be thankful.

Thanks for listening to me... I'll try to get back sooner rather than later next time with some fun stuff.

Love you all!

T

Staying Strong

I told a friend tonight that life just seems to get harder the older I get.

The light at the end of the tunnel is a crown of wisdom, having one day made it through many life experiences... I hope.

It is OK. This life is not meant to be lived and conquered alone. I shouldn't be able to overcome on my own, and I shouldn't even be able to take credit for the times that are good. God through His Holy Spirit is here to help, and it is through supernatural power that I can accomplish anything profitable.

When I surround myself in His Presence and Truth, I'm good. When I start to doubt or compare or sway, I feel myself shrinking. Naturally.

Tonight I was asked the question, "Am I honestly, genuinely ready to follow the Holy Spirit? What is my motive for wanting Him?"

Um. But if I am ready and my motive is to love others, then I have to be prepared. I have to be willing to see God in little things, to let Him help me love and forgive and show patience and mercy... Daily, to everyone that qualifies. I have to be willing to open up my heart in vulnerability and let my guard down, and sit quietly when He waits and get up and go when He opens a door. I have to find contentment in the moment, joy in each day, and a reason to touch anyone I come in contact with minute by minute. And most of all, my motive most be nothing other than that of love. Because as 1 Corinthians 13 points out, I can do all these things and more, but without love...

In the end, it is about listening, learning, and loving. I am literally a lump of clay in the Master's hands. He recently reshaped me, ever so softly. I rest in peace knowing that God takes care of the details, and He has always taken care of me.

Faith is what I hold onto, and confidence is what I have, why? Because I trust God, and when You trust someone, you can believe they have your best interest at heart and no matter what the outcome, they aren't going to let you down.

For those of you interested in my new exciting creative adventure, feel free to follow my new website and blog:

Www.tarynphotography.net
Www.tarynphotography.blogspot.com

Love you all, be back soon!

T

Every Gift is from Above

Yesterday was when it really hit me.

I drove up to the IA studio to drop something off, and there was a "For Rent" sign in the widow.

It has been an interesting journey. I never thought I would see the day that I actually had my own business established downtown with my best friend.

And once I had that dream, I never thought I would see the day that we closed it.

A verse that has been my heartbeat over the past few months is in Ecclesiastes 3... There is a time and purpose for everything. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God handed a successful business to Kristi and I during this season of life for His purposes. I know it, based on the fact that He blessed us so openly every step of the way.

IA has been a dream for both of us, in different ways. Running a business together has taught us more about life, about relationships, and about ourselves than anything else ever could. Now that I am starting to step away from it, it has become more and more evident just how much this business, and my partnership with Kristi, has taught me. I am coming out of this experience a more confident, passionate, responsible, and genuine person.

Kristi and I had many good times, and like any relationship, there was bound to be difficulty, especially given how different we both are. Imagine Artists was who it was because of our blended personalities and talents, and that equaled a beautiful thing, that under the best of circumstances, worked.

IA isn't closing because we didn't have a good thing going. Business was going well. If I had to tell you one reason why, I couldn't. It is the culmination of many years of laughter, goodness, sadness, tears, and hard work. All I can really say is that even now, I can already look back and see how God used this amazing time in our lives to shape us each into someone better, and that "someone better" in each of us will find our new journeys and touch others in more impactful ways because of how we affected one another.

Throughout this entire process, my personal testimony is that God has never shown Himself more clearly and dearly in my life. I am nothing but thankful.

He has appeared in my friends and my family. He has appeared in phone calls and notes and letters. He has appeared in encouraging words spoken to me daily by any given person, and He has appeared to me in the peace of my heart. He has given me a smile of joy each day, and an excitement and passion to carve out my new path of purpose for the future.

I have no idea how that looks at this point. All I desire to do now is to forge ahead with what I have, and be obedient.

So far, this has taken me to a free-lance part time position in graphic design at an ad agency in Pekin. When I'm not helping out there, I am currently wrapping up clients and projects with IA as I transition out, and having fun setting up a new photography venture for the future. More details to come in a little while.

I would like to close with saying that I truly love and cherish IA, and Kristi's partnership as a best friend and also a business owner. God has given me an amazing blessing from each... Makes me think of James 1. Every good gift comes from above... Thank you, Jesus, for knowing what I need and when I need it. Thanks for giving me the passion to pursue, the stamina to keep going, and the courage to conquer.

May His work be done... That He who has begun a good work in me can carry it out!

Love you all. Be back soon.

T

Moments from God

I am going through the fire.

But do you want to know what I told my ladies at jail last week?

"Count it ALL JOY when you fall into various trials."

James 1... my favorite.

That's what I told them. And I felt like a hypocrite the whole time.

But if anyone understands... they do. Count it all joy to... be in jail? My situation pales in comparison to their circumstances, and the environment in which put them there.

More is happening that I can translate into words right now. So for now, I'll stay vague and instead share what God has been doing for me so far through this.

The Lord isn't required to make this easy for me. He isn't expected to reach out and SHOW ME that His arms are wrapped around me. He wouldn't have to touch me through others.

But He is. And for that, I want to cry. His Love never ceases to amaze me.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. In fact, this whole week has been difficult... probably one of the toughest so far. Up until now, my emotions have been kept in check. I have been dry-eyed and objective. Very un-Taryn. Another miracle I credit to God... He has been my strength through this all.

And the week that I start to crash, He proved His love for me in all of this... TWICE.

Last night, I was at church, excited to hear a topical study on the Holy Spirit. I had taken a seat by the elder's wife.

As were were singing the second to last song before beginning the sermon, my thoughts were a thousand miles away. My brain was cloudy and foggy. I came back to life when she leaned over to me and pointed to the words we had sung.

"This makes me think of you," she said.

I looked at her and then the words on the page, trying to focus on what she was pointing at. I couldn't, though. I couldn't read the words because my eyes were blurry with tears. Through blur, I saw two words: God's promise.

I couldn't tell you the song it was, but I can tell you what she whispered to me in those few precious moments.

She told me that God loves me, and that His promises are true. That He will get me through and be my strength. And that I should believe her, because it is coming from someone who has been tried a time or two.

Tears continued to stream down my cheeks as I silently thanked her over and over for sharing those thoughts with me.

Then, there was tonight.

I was busy on my computer, working on some things, when my phone rang.

I have made it a new habit to ALWAYS answer my phone, even if I don't know the phone number. I glanced at the incoming call and noticed it was an Arizona #. It was not a phone # that I recognized, but I answered it, anyway.

"Hi Taryn," came the voice on the other end, and then she told me who she was.

It was an amazing girl I met in Phoenix about 3 years ago when I took a bunch of my girl friends out to stay at my aunt & uncle's. She had a pool day with us, and we had a lot of fun with her. I kept in touch with her via Facebook, but other than that, I had not talked to her in a couple years.

The words she said next sent chills through my body.

"I just wanted to call you and tell you that for some reason, you have been on my heart over the past few weeks. I just keep thinking about you-- I can't get you off my mind."

In that moment, it was as if God had reached down and put me in the palm of His hand.

The tears came again, but I pushed them back. What went on for the next 10-15 minutes was a beautiful phone call. An unexpected, totally random, yet TOTALLY God-given call from an acquaintance I had not talked to in a couple years.

We talked about what I was going through right now-- unbeknownst to her. All she knew is that I was on her heart, and I needed her prayers. I told her that God is amazing and that He had me on her heart for a reason.

We chatted about our time of life, and about how we were getting along. We talked about how God is faithful, and how God is good.

I could not thank her enough for taking the time to call me. She may never know how much that meant to me.

If I have learned anything over the past few days, it is that God allows us ALL to go through trials at some point, so we can thereby comfort those who need comfort. That has been proven to me two days in a row now.

Thank you to a God who is so much bigger than me, my world, and my circumstances. Thanks to a God that loves me in spite of my weakness, and in fact is STRONG in my weakness. Thanks to a God that never fails me, no matter how many times I fail Him. And thanks to a God who is my Creator, who made me for a purpose, and has placed His purpose of Love in my heart.

Love you all,

T

Just Because

There is a lot on my mind tonight... and to write a deep blog post at this point would be dangerous.

Very dangerous.

So I shall tread in safer waters... for now.

First, my picture.

Those are my nieces. They are beautiful and I love them. From L-R:
Lola Mae: The blonde beauty with a soft heart.
Naomi Tasha: Spunky & sweet.
Sophia Richelle: We call her the "diva." She can dance better than me!
Tillie Sue: Energetic and smart and a candy-holic.
Sylvia Ann: 2 (or 3 now??) going on 20.

Anyway, there you have it-- the female representation in Kaiser grandchildren so far. Time will only tell how many I will contribute!

Onto other things...

Lately:

1) I have developed an extreme dislike of high fructose corn syrup. While I have decided not to take a vegetarian lifestyle, I have definitely added it into my eating habits as much as possible, and with that comes a lot of other education concerning my aspiring "health-nut" status. Which includes all of the anti-sugar articles about how white sugar may as well be a drug. And even worse: high fructose corn syrup, which can be found in pretty much everything we eat that is packaged or processed, but the obvious culprits would be soda & candy.

Anyway, I know that coming from me, this may be shocking, especially considering that my motto has always been "Always save room for dessert." I am not against a dessert here and there (or a Starbucks frapp, especially when I have earned my 15th star and get a free one!), but I just feel it should be eaten in moderation. Furthermore, a lot of the products we think may be "healthy" are actually not healthy. And if you're going to enjoy something sweet, at least make sure it's the real deal-- made with REAL sugar.  It's not ideal, but it's better than the alternative (the deadly HFCS!) Or, a sliced peach or banana + peanut butter can do the trick, and it's a much healthier snack! (Another trick is using a healthy sweetener-- like honey. Goes delicious with a lot of things!)

P.S. This has only solidified further my 5-years-running soap box on my dislike of diet soda!!! (Sorry to all my diet-drinking friends...) (It also may be noted that I do have some cans of Pepsi underneath my sink and I drink one from time to time with my popcorn. HOWEVER, it is Pepsi Throwback... made with real sugar :)

2) I consume wayyyyy too much popcorn. BUT. A healthy way to enjoy this snack (and thus it is justified in my mind):

*I use organic white popping kernels from King Farms.

*I make it over the stove top with neutral-tasting coconut oil. (I have since learned that extra virgin olive oil is best enjoyed at room temperature for full health benefits, and it oxidizes at temperatures needed to cook popcorn in it, so coconut oil is a healthier choice because it can withstand higher temperatures!)

*I season it with sea salt.

TOTALLY justifies eating a ginormous bucket of it every single night.

....Right?

3) Enough on food... I went bowling tonight and scored a 99. There is a reason I never joined a bowling league... although my childhood best friend's dad owned a bowling alley... I guess it didn't really ever pay off.

4) Lily, my cat, found my sock puppet stuffed animal and removed her from my book shelf. I find it laying around in random places in my house. She likes to attack it when she's in a playful mood, or she just carries it around in her mouth.

She is also quite the hunter. She spots every single bug that gets into my house and even leaps into the air (she is a VERY good jumper!) and catches them. She swats them to the ground and bats them around until they die.

She also caught a mouse from our studio basement a month or so ago. It was so gross.

Meanwhile, my house will be rodent and insect-free as long as she is around!

5) I should go to bed.

Love you all!

T

I Quit!

A few months ago, Kristi approached me about meeting with some well-known photographers in the area. She was nervous.

"I can't imagine getting in contact with them," she told me. "Why would they want to meet with us?"

Her anxiety was apparent. But we wanted to do it, because we thought they could be a tremendous help to us and our business.

They are extremely successful photographers in their business. While they are a couple I have always known about and admired, I hadn't looked up to them as long as Kristi had. To her, meeting them would be like a young college basketball player meeting Michael Jordan.

She took the first step in getting in touch with them.

A couple of weeks later, we met and had lunch with a wedding planner. She was a huge encouragement in our life, and she suggested that we also meet with this couple.

However, we had heard nothing.

And often, silence can be interpreted as a "Leave me alone," or "No," or "I'm too busy to reply." We often jump to negative conclusions when there is no response.

"Do I dare contact them again?"

I told her, Yes.

She did, and we heard back from the husband of their team, almost immediately. As it turned out, they had not received our initial message.

Kristi and him started exchanging messages and planned to get together. However, he was in the middle of a busy time, and said he would get in touch when it slowed down a bit.

That happened to be 2 months later. Not a big deal, but it was a bit of a wait. Yet, we had no idea how the Lord used that timetable in His perfect way.

On a warm summer morning, Kristi and I stepped into Thirty-Thirty Coffee in Peoria and ordered drinks. We sat at a table, and pretty soon, he arrived.

I thought it would just be him. But she came, too.

He was tall and scruffy, friendly & warm. She was quiet and beautiful and captivating.

It is funny, meeting with people that you have never met, for the first time. Our intent was to get professional business advice from them-- how did they work together? How did they create such a successful business?

So we started off with the talking. Kristi looked to me, as I am usually the one to give the synopsis on "our story."

I gave a brief and somewhat surface story of our business history. It was meager at best; trite, at worst.

After my little performance, he looked to her and said, "Do you want to start?"

This is when it got good.

It was, like I later told Kristi, as if God sent them as angels to us. For such a time as this, He knew what we needed.

The next 2-3 hours were spent talking about God. She told us their story. Their success, their struggles, their sadness, their celebrations. She was vulnerable, and honest, and lovely. She did not sugar coat, but she told us the truth in love.

She told us about the "glacier." When we see a glacier, we see the 10% that sticks out of the water. What we don't see is the 90% underneath. Most people live their lives in the10%-- which is what most people see. Yet the 90% is neglected... even though it is the most important part. Because without the foundation, the inner workings, the thoughts and feelings and values and beliefs of that 90%-- there would be no 10%. Yet the 10% is all we ever let anyone see.

She told us about asking honest questions. What makes me sad? What makes me angry? What makes me nervous? What does God say about these feelings?

She told us how her and husband allowed their business to take over their lives. They exchanged good family life, a meaningful marriage, friends, and faith for a successful business. To others, the 10% looked good. But for them and their personal lives, the 90% was neglected.

She told us to be real. To be honest. To be open... to examine what God has done, why He has brought us here, and what He wants us to do.

Kristi sobbed. I sat quietly.

He was a lot like me, emotionally. She was a lot like Kristi, in terms of personality. It was so important to hear their story and see how God brought them through it.

She suggested reading a book, called, "I Quit."

At the end, we all held hands and they prayed for us.

It was like a miniature missions trip... in the middle of a coffee store. Neither Kristi nor I wanted to leave, for fear the joy of the Lord that had been in that place on that morning would leave us.

Kristi immediately bought the book and read it quickly. It helped bring a lot to light. She told me I would benefit from it greatly, and she ordered a copy for me. I read it, and loved it.

The premise of the book is to "quit" living life in such a way that is harmful. Quit being afraid of what others think. Quit lying. Quit dying to the wrong things. Quit denying anger, sadness, and fear. Quit blaming. Quit overfunctioning. Quit faulty thinking.

And quit living someone else's life.

There is no such thing as two people who are the same. In fact, even similar people are often quite different from one another. Which makes those that are different to begin with that much more separate. Kristi and I have learned that... in some ways... the hard way.

Because of differences and because life is so hard, we tend to adopt habits and ways of thinking that are unhealthy. They are defense mechanisms; they are crippling; and they will eventually kill our soul. This book helps to identify those areas and to show us that we can QUIT them.

And in quitting, we become free.

Free to be ourselves. Free to be who God made us to be. Free to rediscover who that person is, and live life in that way.

It is a book I would highly recommend to anyone, because even if you get through life pretty good, I guarantee there are a couple of areas in which every person needs to "quit."

This has been an interesting journey and I cannot wait to see how God continues to show me how to quit the bad and to continue the good.

Love you all!

T

Let's Try This.

Before we begin:  I want to start including a picture with each post. Even if it's just something low-key and totally non-related. Today's image is of my car. For those of you who only know my car as "Green T Bug," you might not be able to spot me over the next couple of months!

Green T Bug now has town spirit! Introducing my green beetle... with some new plates! YEA Morton P Fest 2012

I changed my blog template again.

Right, I know.

This time, though, I think I have it close to what I have been wanting.

Despite my vintage-shabby chic-texture-colorful nature, it always seemed clutter-some to apply this style to a blog. Thus, the unrest.

I think what I envisioned but never really settled on was a simpler, cleaner, look.

Which is what this is! So cross your fingers, and hopefully this setup is here to stay (for awhile.)

In other news, I am on a budget. I don't like it... but I'm doing it. It's good for me.

Today, I bought groceries at Aldi. I wasn't sure what the result would be, but here are some notes from my experience:

1) The whole time, I felt like I was in another country (or at least the minority. Nothing like shopping at Kroger in Morton!)

2) Nothing was organized in a logical order (which didn't bother me... I like to be surprised.)

3) There were less choices. (Which was perfect for someone like me, because the more choices, the longer it takes. If I only get 2 choices, then my decision becomes much easier!)

4) There was a long aisle at the end of the checkout process to bag my own groceries (another thing I did not mind.) Also, you pay a quarter to use a cart, but when you return your cart, you get your quarter back (this should help stop my habit of stealing shopping carts.)

5) My bill was 25% cheaper than I usually pay (which is great when on a budget!)

I will be returning to Aldi.

Some of you may be wondering about how my "Eat Your Veggies" diet is going. To be honest, I felt GREAT on it, but I know that I was not getting enough protein. There were days that I got waves of dizziness or just felt hungry ALL the time. I think the Hallelujah diet is definitely legit and works if you can do it full-fledged. But to apply it to your entire diet is difficult, and without being able to do that, someone like me is left... hungry.

I also believe, after doing my research, that raw fruits & vegetables are the best way to eat them. I believe that there are different sources of protein, and raw vegetables is your best source to obtain usable protein and the nutrients you need. I also believe that other sources of protein are not as beneficial, especially meat.

So with all that being said, I am still trying to eat healthy and incorporate as many raw veggies into my diet as possible... but I still eat veggie scrambles with eggs, cooked vegetable & meat meals, yogurt with fruit, cereal with milk, etc... I have found that I can be healthy without having to completely adhere to the codes of the diet.

Still taking my barley twice a day when I can, drinking delicious fruit & veggie smoothies, chomping on my big raw carrots, drinking green tea, and trying to avoid tons of high fructose corn syrup or heavily processed foods. So this search for health has definitely enacted some smart eating choices into my lifestyle :)

Another snack choice I have tweaked-- I was misinformed about the benefits of Extra Virgin Olive Oil. While it IS an excellent choice and so healthy for you, it is not so when you heat it (is best enjoyed at room temperature for full nutritional benefit), so my popcorn theory of being healthy was shot to the ground. Until I learned of coconut oil! It tastes just as delicious on popcorn, and is still great for you when heated up to cook the popcorn. You can even purchase in a "neutral" flavor if you don't care for the coconut taste.

One more thought, then I'll be done. I started reading the blog of one of my older friends who is traveling to Australia, and suddenly I wanted to travel to another country. Every once in awhile, I get the spark to want to go somewhere. After reading of her first day there, it made me itch to go discover someplace else. Top on my list is India, but at this point, I'd be happy traveling just about anywhere if it was new. We'll see what the Lord has in store over the next couple years... maybe another overseas trip... which I would LOVE!

So, there we have it. Another update from me... I'll try to be back sooner this time.

T

Eat Your Veggies

I need to update more often.

This, I know.

My problem is-- I always see it as such an ordeal. Not that I don't LOVE it but sometimes I don't realize that saying anything at all is better than nothing, so why wait until I feel inspired to write a novel?

Not everyone wants a novel.

Anyway.

I'm not sure what sparked it, but last weekend I started researching the Hallelujah Diet (can be found here http://www.hacres.com/hallelujah-diet/).

Don't freak out-- I'm not becoming a vegan. I have always said that there is no way I could do that.

HOWEVER.

I have always seen merit in this way of eating, especially since my Dad became so ill several years back. He adopted this diet and by juicing & eating healthier, he reversed effects that were supposed to be terminal.

If you read about how we SHOULD be eating as humans-- the way God designed us to eat-- it makes sense. He put fruit & vegetables on this Earth for us to enjoy, and it's really what our bodies are designed to digest. Raw fruits and veggies are packed with so many nutrients that our bodies need.

Anyway, I'm not going to stay on my soap box for long, because I've only been doing this for a few days. And I'm not really making a big commitment to it on purpose. I don't want to do something full-fledged only to give up a week later because it's "too hard." I simply want to try to work it into my already-busy lifestyle and see if I can make it fit. So far, I have really liked it and I truly feel great on it.

Last Sunday, I went to my mom's because she has a Vitamix (powerful blender!!). It can make smoothies or juice out of fruits and vegetables. I made a bunch of fun variations for the week. My goal is to eat as raw as possible for the first 2-3 meals of my day, then a big green leafy vegetable salad at night.

My favorite frozen juice combo is straight-up freshly squeeze grapefruit and orange juice. As it melts, it's a DELICIOUS and refreshing drink for a mid-morning snack. I also made one that includes broccoli, kale, carrots, pineapple, strawberries, apple, flax seed, and honey. Something about this combination is so sweet and yummy! You would never guess there are veggies in it.

I also put together a granola mix made of oatmeal, chocolate chips, craisins, flax seed, whole grain cereal, peanuts, sunflower seeds, peanut butter, and honey... and oh my word... it's AMAZING. A yummy sweet snack to eat throughout the day!

However, with that being said, I'm not strictly doing this. Like I said, I want to make this realistic, and if it can't be realistic than I know it won't happen.

So if I have a meeting with someone at Starbucks-- I'll probably still get a Frapp, or if I go out to dinner with my family, I'll order something yummy. Hopefully in eating this way, I'll naturally WANT to make healthier choices, but I'm not going to be crazy about it.

I also began taking barley pills twice a day (thanks to my Dad!!) and drinking a very natural, energy-supplying red green tea that my mom started selling. Those things paired with this "clean" way to eat has made me feel really good! It is a little tricky, because I am SUCH a protein fanatic, eating enough to keep me feeling full. However, I have found that as long as I keep filling up on this nutrient-rich food, I haven't needed as much protein from meats, eggs, or other sources. According to this diet, all the protein you need is in vegetables.

So, there you have it.

We'll see how it goes-- I'll be back soon to update!

Love you all, T

Since I Have Moved Out...

For the first few months (and even now, sometimes) the most dreaded question for me was, "So, how are you liking your new house?"

I think it's kind and lovely people want to know... However, I might be extra sensitive is because I am so busy that a lot of times, I haven't even been able to enjoy it. I come home, and instead of thinking about having a social life, a pile of laundry and dirty dishes are waiting for me.

Now, that's not my life ALL the time, but when I'm busy at work, it makes the rest of my life even busier. Additionally, as much as I love my 3rd shift job, I am SUCH a night owl and that's when I get stuff done. So my options are 1) stay up in the morning and get things done or 2) go back to sleep when I return from 3rd shift. And you better believe I almost always taken option #2.

Anyway, I'm done complaining. Here are some things I have immensely enjoyed since moving out... because, well, I can do whatever I want now :)

1) Eating popcorn in bed.
(OK, I may have done this at home, too... but I doubt my mom appreciated it.)
It is not uncommon to find little popcorn kernels under my bed.

2) Leave the house... with my bed unmade.
This actually almost kills me. I think it's because I grew up ALWAYS making my bed, and it was not acceptable to not do it. So it's just ingrained in my head. But sometimes, I'm running super late and I just can't get to it. So I leave it :)

3) Eat oatmeal or cereal for dinner.
Lame, I know. But sometimes it just sounds good and so that's what I eat :)

4) Clean my house... whenever I want!
Sometimes, it happens every week, just the way I like it.
But there are times that I have been super busy and I let things go... and really, instead of coming home and worrying about it, I crash on the couch and ignore the mess that surrounds me. No big deal.

5) Sleep with my cat.
Lily sleeps in my bed every night... yes, she is a bit spoiled. She even brings her toys into my bed and plays with them while I'm trying to sleep. But it is so sweet when she is curled up and purring beside me... I know she's just a cat, but it does help me feel less lonely and more safe.

So those are just a few things that I have been enjoying since living on my own. Trust me, moving out definitely reminded me of everything I DIDN'T do or worry about while still living with my parents... my mom spoiled me :) But it is great to have the responsibility and make decisions, even if they are little, on my own. As stressful and busy as it can be, it's worth it.

Love you all-- be back soon!

T

Joy

Well, I promised I would be back... so here I am.

Recently, I read one of my earlier posts (from 2006... when I was in college) and I was startled at how much I have changed. Obviously, I have grown older and matured, but also, I found myself laughing.

I laughed because I used to be so much more open and candid. I wasn't afraid to write about much of anything. I was so real and out there... and these days...

I find I am more guarded.

Right or wrong, it's just the way it is, and I found it to be an interesting observation.

Maybe I psycho-analyze too much, but at any rate, I want it to be a goal of mine to be genuine, always.

So lately, I have found the supernatural joy of the Lord being infused back into my life. For this, I am thankful. I went through a recent valley lately. I'm not sure what caused it or why it was there, but with a little bit of work (because climbing up a mountain from the bottom isn't always easy) I am finding that I am on my way back up. Part of me is enjoying the climb, because I know that once I reach the top... although it is a BEAUTIFUL view, the only place to go is down, unless I can sustain my spot of mountaintop awesomeness.

And with God's good grace and help, I can. So, I continue to envelope myself with the joy of Jesus and let that be the driving force to get me through each and every day. After all, that's all I can rely on, anyway. To rely on anything else usually results in disaster, eventually.

I am encouraged that everything I read right now, whether it be in devotions, Jesus Calling, or as a topic of a bible study, is exactly what I need. God has a beautiful way of giving us what we need, when we need it, as long as we are willing to receive.

Anyway, I am excited to continue on in my journey and see what good things God continues to provide in my life.

IA has been... stressful, to say the least. But good. And getting better. We are on the uphill swing, I would say. We went through a tough time recently of "defining and redefining" who we were and what we wanted to be, but now that we have that figured out, it just takes courage, perseverance, and wisdom to keep things rolling. Every time it gets tough, I always view our business as a gift from God and my working relationship with Kristi as a marriage-- we made a vow of "commitment" and even when it gets tough, that's not excuse to give up. God brought it all together for a reason and blessed it with success, and there's a reason for it. At times, I do wonder what God was thinking when He put Kristi and I together because we couldn't be any more different, but somehow, by His grace, we've gotten this far. And I always think... if we have gotten THIS far, then we can get through anything.

Home life has been... lacking. That sounds terrible, but I feel like I'm hardly home. Except on the weekends, which are spent cleaning or organizing or paying bills or buying groceries or just CRASHING on the couch with my popcorn and kitty. I have loved living on my own, but it has definitely been an adjustment. I DO get my "me" time but a lot of my "me" time is spent doing the things that my Mom used to take care of for me :) So it's just getting used to the change.

My passion has been... growing. Each and every situation life takes me through refines me and teaches me that God can only use me--Taryn--in a special, unique way. This way is apart from anyone else's way. That, to me, is a beautiful thought. With that in mind, I am trying to stay as plugged in as possible to the Lord's plan in using my talents and personality to bless others. Without that, what am I really living for? Myself?

Attitude is so important, I am finding. I love that quote that says, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." It's so true. Not that "happiness" is our ultime goal, but the point is, WE are in charge of how we let certain situations, words, thoughts, emotions, or anything else affect us. I can either choose to let something destroy me, or teach me. I can let it tear me down, or make me stronger. I can let it kill my mood, or make me thankful. I can choose to become irritated, or smile my way through. I can let all the little things bring me down, or let the One I DO have lift me up.

It's all a perspective check, really. And it's all in having an attitude of gratitude.

I'm just thankful for a Jesus who is so patient and kind!

Love you all,

T

Be Back Soon.

I have less than 5 minutes to write this.

Lucky you.

Tomorrow, we have a wedding. Will be our first HOT one.

This Sunday is Father's day... and my parents will be gone. :(

I have lots of little updates and some new insights, but there is just not enough time to fill you in on everything tonight.

So we'll just review a few fun facts:

1) My new morning routine is as follows:
Get out of bed.
(And because the mornings have actually been DELIGHTFULLY cool...)
Wrap myself in my hot pink soft blanket.
Fix a bowl of cereal.
Go outside.
Sit on the little lawn chair in my backyard with my face completely basking in the sun.
(But my body is wrapped up and warm in my blanket, of course.)
Eat my bowl of cereal.
Read Jesus Calling.
Pray.
Obtain Vitamin D and needed sun-on-face for 5 minutes.
Go inside and get ready for the day.

This routine has had amazing results! It could just be in my head, but I feel more joyful and ready to tackle my day when started this way.

2) Ever since I started making stovetop popcorn with extra virgin olive oil & a dash of Morton Salt, I have had a very difficult time returning to microwave popcorn.

It's just not the same.

3) My favorite afternoon pick-me-up snack at work is a small cup of the flavor-of-the-day coffee from L&B (my fave is Snickerdoodle) & a chocolate Hershey's bar.

That's all for tonight... we'll talk soon.

Love you all,

T

Keep Coming Back

When I was little, I was very inquisitive. 

I liked to ask lots of questions. 

I can remember sitting in church one Sunday. I was sitting with my Dad, and I leaned over to him. The minister had just said something obvious to me.

"Dad, when you become a Christian, don't you already know this kind of stuff?" I asked.

"Yes," he answered.

"Then why do you have to keep coming to church? If you already know what it takes to get to Heaven and you have done it, then why keep coming back to hear it?"

"Because," he said, "It's always good to be reminded."

In my young little mind, I couldn't understand why someone would need to hear the same thing over and over. And for that matter, I wasn't taking into consideration the fact that the Spirit moves in many ways, and will usually always bring to light something new to learn each and every time.

That memory sticks with me, and I think about it often when I'm sitting in church.

Today, I sat by our elder's wife. Our elder and his wife have been good friends of my parents for as long as I can remember, and our elder is my dad's first cousin.

The morning service was so good and appropriate for the Memorial Day weekend. The minister read about "David's Mighty Men" and also talked about Hebrews 11, going over the "Hall of Faith." He said that reading over all of those people and the accounts of their faith reminds him of a cemetery. When you walk in a cemetery, you see markers of people who have passed from this life to the next, and you may stop and review something they have done. You talk about the impact they made in their life. It challenged me to look at my own life and think: What impact am I making? Would I be listed in a "Hall of Faith?" What will I take with me, and what will others remember me by?

He also talked about life being the "great race" that we finish... and how up in Heaven, those who love us may very well be cheering us on into Victory.

After the service, I received an unexpected word of encouragement.

The edler's wife leaned over and told me that she thought of my grandparents, and how both of them were such pillars of faith. How she believed they were looking down at me and so proud of me. How it took courage to do the things that I do...

Immediately, I became sentimental in remembrance of my beautiful grandparents, and also tried to guess what she was referring to in regards to courage. I thought maybe she would mention stepping out on my own, buying my house, or starting my business. 

But she didn't mention any of those things.

And now that I think about it, none of those things are "tangible" things that I can take with me.

What she was talking about was the prison ministry with which I am involved.

She told me that she thought I was courageous and brave to talk to the women in the prison. How my grandparents would be so proud that I was spreading the Word in that way, and they were cheering me on.

"I know that some day, you will be rewarded for that, Taryn," she told me, "And not just a 'pat on your back' reward. A real reward... something that will change your life. Something inexplicable that will give you peace and joy."

I was momentarily speechless, but I managed to smile and thank her for the wonderful thoughts and encouragement.

She doesn't know that those words came at a time when I needed them the most! Not so much as it refers to the prison ministry, but more so the encouragement in general.

The idea that may grandparents are my heritage, and as my heritage, they were amazing pillars of Faith.

The idea that it is my great pleasure to carry this on in my own life, and hopefully I will have the opportunity to let it be carried on through my future grandchildren.

The idea that the world is not our home, and the "things" we put our hope in here are often not things we take with us. It is the soul, the heart, the spirit of a person we must reach out and touch... and in doing so, that life, that "treasure," suddenly becomes eternal.

Hebrews 11 says that, "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

To me, "things not seen" include the intangibles... love, joy, peace, mercy, grace... and the list goes on. Those are the eternal treasures we hope to store up in Heaven. If only the earthly, corruptible "treasures" wouldn't cloud our vision.

Ironically, I visited the jail this morning. When I arrived to the women's pod, the guard excitedly yelled into the ladies, "Girls, the lady minister is here! Who wants to come learn about JESUS? Come on out, and learn about Him-- you will all benefit!"

I so appreciated her enthusiasm.

It was the biggest group I had ever had-- 9 women! And I was by myself.

I had prayed the day before that whatever I chose to speak about would touch even one soul, and I was blessed beyond measure to find the room of women in tears when I was done. They all loved the message and found it applicable to their life situations.

I was so encouraged. I have never been more confident that this ministry is where I need to be.

For some, they love children, so teaching Sunday School or running VBS programs is for them. For others, they enjoy the elderly, so visiting nursing homes and singing to them makes their spirit smile. And others still have a huge heart for orphans, so they give financially and travel on trips to other countries.

But to me, I have a God-given love for the broken. I think it's because I don't see them for what they did, but for who they are. At the end of the day, we are all souls created by God. There is absolutely no difference between me and them, because before Jesus' blood, I wasn't getting to Heaven any sooner than they were. 

Are we all not just people, in need of a Savior?

Love you all!

T

In Due Season

I have been biting my finger nails lately.

That means I'm stressed.

I don't even notice I'm doing it, really. But it's a tell tale sign that too much is going on.

If someone would ask me, "Taryn, are you stressed?"

I would say, "No, I'm fine."

But it's because I like to see the glass half full. And, I'm realizing... I'm so proud. I'm too afraid to admit when life isn't all put together. I want it to appear like everything is smooth sailing. Anything else would show weakness.

Then, I become irritated that I put on a mask, because facades are so fake. And I'm all about REAL. So, in an effort to fool everyone into thinking everything is 100%, I compromise being genuine. And I hate that.

Don't get me wrong-- not everyone wants a thorough outpouring of my heart every time they ask "How are you doing?" nor do people need me to coat every response with emotional drama.

But I don't think that's the point. The point is... I must be honest. With myself, and with others. And especially with God.

So here we go... my best attempt at being real:

Lately, I have been struggling to keep my head above water. To top it off, I have been consistently indifferent towards God-- to my shame. I realize that the life of every Christian tends to be a roller coaster, but it kills me to admit that I'm in a down loop right now.

To explain, I have been slacking on being in the Word. I have also been turning off conversation with God. I didn't realize I was doing it until I came to the core of the problem-- to talk to God would entail honesty. It would entail owning my struggles, owning my pride, and owning my lack of faith. And those are things, quite frankly, that I just don't feel like doing. So I cut off communication.

Trust me-- it's not a good idea. Because, quite simply, it doesn't work.

All it has done is it has left me feeling directionless, and I really don't like that feeling.

Yet, God still proves His faithfulness and provision to me, despite my lack of Faith. And it is in this that I realize that his goodness and Love is not dependent on my performance... thank goodness. I need that reminder from time to time, yet it is no excuse to slack off.

I had a really good conversation with someone last weekend. I was with a group of people, and the two of us walked off alone. I was in a pensive mood-- which is always a recipe for a heart-to-heart.

Thankfully, she is an excellent listener and wonderful advice-giver, and someone I look up to and trust. I don't know her that extremely well, but well enough to confide in.

So I did. I poured out my heart to her, and I was completely uninhibited. It was exactly what I needed to do. Mostly, because I needed to acknowledge where I was-- verbally. I needed someone to hear it, other than the walls of my heart and chambers of my mind.

I told her that I was slacking off on praying. That I wasn't actively communicating to God like I used to-- I used to talk to him every minute of every day and tell Him everything. How I was falling behind on my Bible reading plan, but I desired to do better. I told her about a prayer project I started a couple of years ago that was one of the hugest blessings in my life, but somehow, I had managed to put it off for the last several months. I told her about my business and how it's going through an entirely tough and challenging time, and how overwhelming it is. How insecure it makes me feel, and how it's hard sometimes to come home to an empty house and spend my weekends catching up on laundry and cooking meals... for one. I told her that amidst all of this, none of it is an excuse to put off God, or to ignore Him. Because in it all is a blessing. In it is an amazing timetable and weaving of the Spirit's hands, and I can't challenge that... because His ways are so much higher than my ways.

This friend was an angel to me on this particular night, simply because she listened. And that's what I needed... someone to listen and understand and encourage.

I have been thinking about that conversation and my spiritual state this whole week. As I continue through this typically busy and stressful set of days, I am realizing more and more that the Spirit continues to nudge me and call me back.

The Lord is saying... Taryn. Get in my Word. Taryn... talk to me. Taryn... don't give up, I love you and have been using you all along.

I am convinced that we go through these times in order to give us an opportunity to be refined. On the day I talked to my friend, I read this particular devotion out loud to a few different people, because it spoke volumes to me. It comes from the devotion series I am working on right now called "The Confident Woman," and I loved the words. I'll close with it now:

In Due Season

"Due season" is God's season, not ours. We are in a hurry, God isn't. He takes time to do things right - He lays a solid foundation before He attempts to build a building. We are God's building under construction. He is the Master Builder, and He knows what He is doing. We may not know what He is doing, but He does, and that will have to be good enough. We may not always know, but we can be satisfied to know the One who knows.

God's timing seems to be His own little secret. The Bible promises us that He will never be late, but I have also discovered that He is usually not early. It seems that He takes every available opportunity to develop the fruit of patience in us. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit that grows under trial.

Developed potential without character does not glorify God. If we were to become a huge success and yet be harsh with people - that would not be pleasing to the Lord. Therefore, if we get ahead of ourselves in one area, He gently but firmly blocks our progress in that area until the other ones catch up.

Remember: God is never late.

Pray: Lord, thank You for Your patience with me. I want everything now, but You are building my life with eternity in mind. I don't understand everything You're doing, but I trust You. Amen.

Love you all :) Taryn